All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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