Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
