Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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