So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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