Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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