these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
