I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
