Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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