No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
