So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
