Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
