Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
