Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
