nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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