Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You've changed since you got that strap on
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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