Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
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