..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
