Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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