just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Found the puke drawer
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize