You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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