I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
