I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
