I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
