I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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