they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
