My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
