ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
