Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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