Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
