Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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