Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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