my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
