the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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