True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Blood and glitter go together right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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