And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
pray to the hookup gods
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
