So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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