Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
