Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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