the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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