Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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