awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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