Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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