last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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