I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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