if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
