Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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