It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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