She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize