If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
