Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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