I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
