Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
