we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
