i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
