the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
