bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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