thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
