I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
