someone get that fucking seahorse.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
